for matthew.

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good talk.

I wanted to send you a text today

just to see if you’d reply

just to see if it

was true

just to hear you tell me

how weird it was, you were just

thinking about me

at that exact moment too.

 

I wanted to send you a text today

just to see if you’d

send me a dumb selfie

from wherever you were

(even the toilet or in your Speedo)

or a pic of your freshest ink addiction

or tell me about the conflicted

state of your ‘ment’

or which exotic place your raucous spirit

was taking you to next

 

I wanted to send you a text today

to hear you talk

of how the all the pain and sorrow in the

world made you so infinitely sad

and how it’s impossible to

save everyone

but at least we should try,

to hear you rage on about

the unjust, flawed system

or how you wished you

could do more, help more, be more.

 

I wanted to send you a text today

to shout at you (in CAPSLOCK)

for breaking some law or other

or bending your own moral code

or for living against your unbearably sensitive conscience

and then still hear you thank me for

shouting at you,

and for caring.

 

I wanted to send you

a text today

to hear you somehow know and then tell me

the hidden truth about myself

to tell me the disarming, brutal truth about yourself

to see if at the end

of our chat you’d say

“good talk, Dez”

like you always do.

or did.

 

I wanted to send you a text today

but I now know I just can’t

because you left

on your next crazy mission

without telling anyone

you were going.

 

I wanted to tell you

how incredibly angry that makes me

and tell you how my

heart is utterly broken.

 

But life goes on

unstoppable

which seems so

fucking unfair

but it does

and my heart, though torn, knows

that it will

that it must.

 

and I know that if you

sent me a text today

you’d say you would

want it to.

 

so, for you, I’ll keep

breathing

living

helping

loving

quietly rebelling

because I know you would

want me to.

 

 

 

 

 

dear narcissist. 

dear narcissist,

it’s okay.

it’s okay to be honest.

it’s okay to be yourself.

it’s okay to be authentic.

it’s okay to be loved.

it’s okay to love someone.

it’s okay to trust.

it’s okay to live in the truth.

it’s okay not to believe your own bullshit.

it’s okay to disagree and argue and fight;

love and anger can co-exist.

it’s okay to be alone sometimes. you are still loved.

it’s okay not to worry about others’ opinions.

it’s okay to be scared.

it’s okay to not know.

it’s okay to unfuck yourself and go back to being you again.

it’s just okay.

yours sincerely,

recovering codependent.